Once…

Once my whole life fitted in a backpack,
Once I was foot-loose and fancy-free,
Once the future seemed a bright place,
Once I could choose my own destiny…

These days my baggage feels so heavy,
These days I’m tied-down and confined,
These days the future seems so frightening,
These days to my fate I am resigned…

Tomorrow maybe I’ll feel like me again,
Tomorrow there might break a brighter dawn,
Tomorrow I might wake up not feeling tired,
Tomorrow maybe I might well feel re-born…

In the meantime it’s just one more day,
In the meantime just the same old grind,
In the meantime I just feel so fatigued,
In the meantime I’ll probably lose my mind…

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Sleeping Sickness

Think I’ve contracted sleeping sickness,
Crawl into bed at eight each night,
And sleep and sleep and sleep some more,
Until 7am’s morning sunlight…

7pm home, wine, quick dinner, bed,
Between office and sleep so little time,
I should be out living life instead,
But it’s for sleep’s sweet kiss I pine…

And then on the Saturday and Sunday,
I sleep maybe fourteen hours or more,
Often miss out on most of the weekend,
Instead I snooze, slumber and snore…

I’ve put in some positive changes,
In an attempt my energy to boost,
Cut out caffeine, upped the swimming
Wine, pills and nicotine reduced.

And yet I feel constant fatigue,
Throughout the whole lifelong day,
Don’t know why I’m always so T.A.T.T.,
For I just sleep my whole life away…

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Hope

As bad as things might still get,
As black as they might appear,
I could never imagine a time,
I wouldn’t still hope to be here…

Yes, I’m prepared for the worst,
But still hope one day for the best,
I dream of a better future yet,
Once we’ve passed this dementia test…

I hope to share many happy years,
With my beloved other half,
For it just to be the two of us,
To love, life live and laugh…

I hope to gain equilibrium,
To find the old, happier me,
I hope to again go travelling,
Intend all the world to see…

I hope to one day retire early,
And then emigrate to France,
There complete a History degree,
And maybe also learn to dance…

There’s just one little obstacle,
Beyond which it’s hard to see,
But this phase can’t last forever,
I still hope one day to be free…

But in the short-term all I hope for,
Is just an end to all this strife,
And not to crack up in the meantime,
Hope for a dull, boring quiet life!!!

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Help Me!

Oh, Father, won’t you hear my cry?
I know you and I don’t see eye-to-eye,
And I probably deserve your censure,
But why did you create dementia…??!?

Oh, Mother Mary, comfort me!
I need some shelter, don’t you see?
Bless and protect me, be my guide,
For I still feel like a babe inside…

Oh, gentle Jesus, meek and mild,
Why did you forsake this child…?
Help and I’ll be your loyal disciple,
(Do they mention Alzheimer’s in the Bible…?)

Oh, Buddha! Allah! Even Zeus!
Whichever one can be of use,
I’m not fussy about which deity,
But, oh, please someone – hear my plea…

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Flames

I set up this blog a few months ago,
The archetypal “angry young woman”,
Unashamed in my bile and resentment,
Spewing indignation, rage and venom…

I read back on my early posts,
Some are quite close to the bone,
Barely recognise myself these days,
Though those words were all my own…

Some might say I’ve softened since,
As I’ve got used to dementia care,
But it’s not really that I’ve mellowed,
Just that anger’s given way to despair…

Back then I was fighting for my life,
Now I’ve no life left to lose,
I’m just too tired now to get angry,
And anyway – what would be the use…??

Flames cannot flare in a vacuum,
They just fizzle themselves out,
No longer have the wind to fan them,
And therefore no rage left to spout…

From raging fire in my belly,
To now just frozen in my heart,
I’ll just let my flames all flicker out,
As I slowly start to fall apart…

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Demons

Why hello Ana, hello Mia,
I see you’ve both come to call,
Long time no see – thought had you beat,
Yet here I am – still in your thrall.

You’re two nasty little demons,
You’re sick, twisted and wrong,
And yet you’re my two oldest friends,
You’ve both been with me all along…

I know why you’ve come to visit,
For you both can see into my soul,
You’ve seen that my life is spinning,
So now you’re here to take control.

Know you’ve both stopped by already,
My scales and waistband tell me so,
To strike up an old acquaintance,
That’s what you both want, I know.

But I can’t be open to houseguests,
Who my life would seek again to mar,
So leave, but just for old time’s sake,
I’ll leave the door that bit ajar…

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Abyss

Staring down the barrel of a gun,
Looking straight into the abyss,
Somewhere somehow I took a wrong turn,
The right road somehow missed…

Standing atop a cliff face
Buffeted back and forth in the wind,
What did I do to deserve all this?
Tell me Father, have I sinned…??

Living on a single knife’s edge,
That at any time may choose to cut,
Holed up in a mental prison,
With all the doors locked shut.

Staring the future in the face,
And seeing there only black,
That’s what awaits me with dementia,
And it’s too late to go back…

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Shadows

Shadows creeping through my mind,
Shadows that my deepest worries find,
Shadows that delve far too deep,
Shadows that keep me from my sleep…

Shadows creeping through my heart,
Shadows that make me fall apart,
Shadows that haunt me night and day,
Shadows I can’t seem to cast away…

Shadows creeping through my soul,
Shadows that fill an inner empty hole,
Shadows from the present and the past,
Shadows that pursue me to the last…

Shadows creeping through my being,
Shadows a dark future foreseeing,
Shadows that bite and blight and slight,
Shadows that block out all life’s light…

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Sometimes

Sometimes the ground beneath my feet,
Feels so fragile, flimsy, incomplete,
Sometimes I feel I’ll one day snap,
Fall through one of terra firma’s gaps…

Sometimes I sense darkness closing in,
I’m tired, run-down and far too thin,
Mental health in long, slow decline,
Both my mum-in-law’s and mine…

Sometimes I feel like I might die,
From all the anxiety deep inside,
What next crisis is on the horizon…?
Seek – but can’t find – mental asylum…

Sometimes I feel like a giant tidal wave,
May one day wash me right away,
Sometimes I feel like I might drown,
Life conspiring to bring me down…

I’m supposed to be the captain at this helm,
But sometimes I feel so overwhelmed,
Sometimes I just feel so very lost,
And dread to think of the future cost…

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Mind Full

So it’s time for my “mindful meditation”,
On my therapist’s recommendation,
This is supposed to cure my malaise,
So eyes shut, legs crossed, palms upraised,
Focus on just breathing in and out,
That’s what “mindfulness” is all about.

Iiiiin and ouuuut, and ouuuut and iiiin,
I wonder what husband will cook for dinn-
No! Try not to think – keep my mind clear,
Just try to focus on my breathing here,
Iiiiin and ouuuut, and ouuuut and iiiin,
Now, did husband empty mum-in-law’s bin…??

Acknowledge thought, then let it go,
Innn ouutt, innnn ouuut – let it flow,
Like waves crashing on the ocean sand,
Can’t seem to get my thoughts in hand!
I’m hungry / thirsty / bored and tired,
This is just not how my brain is wired…

How to be “mindful” when my mind’s full…?
Achieve a lull against this mental pull…?
I don’t think I am cut out for this,
And so won’t achieve nirvana’s bliss,
Still, the irony’s not lost on me,
That mum-in-law’s mind is quite empty…

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