Good Men

They say good men are hard to find,
But I know one who comes to mind,
A husband and son whose heart is true,
Despite the struggles he goes through…

On his mum he’ll never turn his back,
And so has to pick up all the flack,
From both his mother and then from me,
Caught between two worlds, you see…

He may stick his head in the sand,
But for her will always be on hand,
And even with so much at stake,
He still insists on giving me a break…

He hates dementia, loves his mum,
And dreads the drama yet to come,
And while Alzheimers makes us miserable,
I’d not want a man who was “invisible”…

I meant the vows I said as a bride,
I’ll be forever at his side,
It’s not for me, you understand,
My heart’s now breaking for husband…

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Skating On Ice

Skating on ice on a forgotten lake,
It’s hard and it’s dense and it just will not break,
And just underneath there lie still waters deep,
Secrets that it seems the lake wants to keep,
But no matter how hard I try or whatever I do,
I just cannot seem to find any way through…

Skating on ice – but can’t make a chink,
Summertime for this lake is not coming I think,
Try as I might, the exterior won’t crack,
It seems for this lake there is no going back,
I can’t even melt the tiniest of puddles,
This lake is truly proving to be a puzzle…

And so over the surface I continue to glide,
Never quite knowing what’s going on inside,
Never quite knowing what’s happening below,
And I don’t even think now that I’ll ever know…
To stay covered in ice this lake is destined to stay,
Until the life beneath it all ebbs away…

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The Enemy Within

Fighting for “normality”,
A cause that’s so mundane,
Fighting just to keep functioning,
And to keep yourself sane…

There are no soldiers in this war,
No battles, tanks or bombs,
Just you versus Alzheimer’s,
A war fought one-on-one…

There are no great causes,
No shiny medals to be won,
But just another day survived,
More days like this to come…

No one hails you as a hero,
No one knows your inner fight,
They just see a poor old lady,
And pity you your plight…

But on and on you battle,
Though you’ll lose on every front,
For the enemy’s inside you,
And cannot be outdone…

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Slippery Slope

It’s a slippery slope that we live on these days,
Mum-in-law’s changing in various ways,
After three years of “relative” stability,
She’s suddenly losing all of her abilities…

The days of the week to her are no longer clear,
Gaps in her functioning starting to appear,
A fridge full of food that is covered in mould,
Aggression and paranoia starting to take hold…

Increasing confusion, she’s slipping away,
It’s growing more obvious now by the day,
Hostile to the carers, rude to husband and me,
I shudder to think as to what might still yet be…

It’s all expected – doesn’t come as a surprise,
Reading stories of others has opened my eyes,
If I knew in advance, I could start to prepare,
But still somehow I am always caught unawares…

It is all so sad, but somehow all inevitable,
Still, that doesn’t make all this any less terrible,
It’s a slippery slope that we live on these days,
Dealing with this new and worse Alzheimer’s phase…

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Thorn In My side

(Based on ‘Thorn In My Side‘ by Eurythmics)

 

A thorn in my side,
You know that’s all you ever were,
Someone I despise,
You know that’s all that it was worth…
I felt I had no option,
When you’re stomach ulcer burst,
I should have known better,
But I put all your needs first…

Not to care for you,
Is all I wish to do…
Not to care for you,
Is all I wish to do…

A thorn in my side,
For the last three years you’ve been,
You’re needy and you’re greedy,
You’re belligerent and mean…
Of my life you’re the bane,
A constantly nagging pain,
And even as I write this,
You’re calling me again

To run away from you,
Is all I wish to do…
To run away from you
Is all I wish to do…

A thorn in my side,
You know that’s all you’ll ever be,
I know you know no better,
But that’s what you mean to me…
Now I’m feeling so frustrated,
Now I’m feeling low,
Now every time I think of you
I shiver to the bone…

Wah-ahh-ahhh-ahhh!!

Just for you to die,
Is all I wish you to do…
Oh, just for you to die,
Is all I wish you to do…

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Shadowland

There is a place with no time and no date,
No awareness at all of your own final fate,
It’s neither heaven nor hell, you understand,
It is that strange place called the Shadow Land.

In the Shadow Land there may also dwell,
Others who you’ve known in your own life as well,
Some are much younger or no longer alive,
But in the Shadow Land still somehow survive…

In the Shadow Land you may be a past version of you,
And do all the things that you once used to do,
You may hold the same job that you previously manned,
As that’s how it goes when in the Shadow Land.

You may live in a house that you lived in before,
With your old sofa and your old front door,
It is a place of temporal shifting sand,
When you reside within the Shadow Land…

Voices from afar will tell you it’s not real,
And tell you the opposite of what you now feel,
But you’ll know full well that they’re totally wrong
As haven’t you lived in the Shadow Land all along…?

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Embarrassing Call…

I am the food in mother-in-law’s fridge,
I have been sat here for ages like this,
I’m past my sell-by-date, I’m getting old,
And my outside is now all covered in mould…

If mum-in-law eats me, she won’t be too well,
I’m decomposing and starting to smell,
And all around, other foodstuffs like me,
That mum-in-law just does not seem to see…

Don’t know why she keeps adding onto this pile,
None of us touched for a very long while,
She’ll eat the sandwiches she bought that day,
But let all the other stuff in the fridge stay…

A carer-type lady noticed me just today,
And sensibly wanted to take me away,
But was told she couldn’t – I’m just good as new,
Even though I am growing fur that is blue…

If this carer lady has any brains at all,
She’ll give mum-in-law’s family members a call,
They may be embarrassed at the state I am in,
But they need to come round and put me in the bin!!!

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Battle Axe

Oh, what I’d give for the usual mum-in-law woes,
I’d gladly swap dementia for some of those,
Yes, that with Alzheimers I’d happily switch,
Even if it meant mum-in-law was a complete bitch…

If I could swap with dementia, I really wouldn’t mind,
She could criticise my cooking whenever we dined,
She could my lax housekeeping openly deride,
If it meant no Alzheimers, I’d take it all in my stride…

She could give me dilapidation cream on Christmas Day,
I would smile and say thank you – keep conflict at bay,
She could imply I’m not good enough for her beloved son,
Still better than Alzheimers, when all’s said and done…

Could disapprove of the age gap (though got a point there),
As long as she had her sanity, I just wouldn’t care,
She’d be quite welcome to never let me forget,
That I have not made her a grandmother yet…

She could make little put-downs and snide remarks,
I’d just smile to myself as she attempted to snark,
And in private husband and I fun would poke,
Rehash all the old Les Dawson mum-in-law jokes…

But the Alzheimers relationship is somewhat perverse,
All of the usual in-law power play is reversed,
She can’t afford to niggle, nag or criticise,
Cause she knows that upon us she completely relies…

Oh, would it really be too much to ask,
To have just the usual mum-in-law battle-axe??
While I’m sure that would prove it’s own misadventure,
It’s still better than a mum-in-law with dementia…

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Bedtime

Now I lay me down to sleep,
Slowly in the shadows start to creep,
Same old worries, same unease,
Same fears through Alzheimer’s Disease…

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
For a non-believer it’s a leap,
Till now he’s turned his face away,
Allowed Alzheimer’s to hold sway…

If I should die before I wake,
At least I’ll be spared the heartache,
Of dealing with dementia one more day,
Or ever ending up that way…

I’d pray the Lord my soul to take,
Rather than leave me in that state,
And if he guards me through this night,
It’s only to resume this weary fight…

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Camilla

There’s three in this marriage,
As Diana once said,
But there’s no Camilla,
No mistress in the bed…

There’s no other woman,
No scent of perfume,
No lipstick on the collar,
No bills for hotel rooms…

Just a mother-in-law,
Who’s always on the scene,
Who gets better waited on,
Than the actual Queen…

Who always muscles in,
Who takes up all our time,
Who has laid her claim,
On a husband whose mine.

Who’s jealous and resentful,
Of our own life together,
And who has driven us,
To the end of our tether.

Who stalks and harasses,
And won’t leave us alone,
Who just can’t accept,
We need time on our own…

Marriage is one thing,
That’s not better in threes,
Not when it’s me, my husband,
And Alzheimer’s Disease…

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